I walked to the market,
spur of the moment I wanted to go to the bar for a coffee.
“Maybe some kahlua?” that’s all I was really concerned about, actually.
As I looked upwards from my feet
a guy in a bright green jacket was walking across the street.
I thought maybe he was looking at me,
my brain scoffed in reply.
I sat down and ordered my drink while staring off into space, thinking
“This is the only place around to walk to that I feel is safe, and if not atleast I have my wrench and mace.”
About half hour to fourty five minutes go by.
I wave down my bartender and ask her for my check and start to say good bye.
“It’s already paid for, you can just go”
I’m confused and my defenses are up and I’m ready to blow.
“Really? From who?” I ask with a subtle attitude.
She points down to my left, it’s the bright green jacket dude.
I tell him thank you, and he starts to talk,
I’m on my snapchat.
He asks for my snapchat.
How am I supposed to clap back?
“Haha, funny enough, I’m on that right now”
I say without trying to sound disappointed or frown.
Not because I am not interested in this guy,
he’s pretty frickin cute,
but because I know how I am and I know what I’ve been through.
I know what I do, I know what I’ve seen,
I know the things that cannot be erased from my own memory.
I give him my username, add him right back.
Now he’s trying to ask me where do I live at.
Doesn’t he know that that’s kind of intrusive?
Hell what does it matter, you’ve been through worse.
Do you really think that you are cursed?
I tell him where I currently reside.
He asks if I need a ride?
I tell him thanks but no, I got somewhere else to go.
He asks if I want him to pick me up and then take me
I know it’s not smart based on the past, or want to waste his time, my faults he cannot yet see.
So disappointedly I leave and to the store I go,
grab my items melancholily,
“fuck, why did I have to say no?”
I walk home, quietly thinking.
Wondering how soon till this ship will be sinking.
I get home and inform him of my job, my issues, and how sometimes I struggle to stay strong.
I hold my breath and wait for him to say “No thanks, I’ll be moving along.”
To my surprise he instead invited me over.
“This is a trap, it must be” the paranoia now has me sober.
The next day he came over and picked me up.
Back to his house to meet his roommates and do my laundry.
Seems like things are moving right along.
“Who is she and what is she doing here?” someone asks.
I agree. What am I doing here? I barely know this guy, I feel like a burden.
He assures me it’s fine, cooks dinner for me. Things are going well, then everything goes dark suddenly.
He yells and is frustrated, one of his roommates isn’t sure why?
I try to ease him with impromptu.
“Hey! It’s good! It’s romantic, let’s light a candle it’s fine.”
After we ate, we got in the hot tub.
Watched leaves and pinecones fall from the windstorm blowing up above.
Part of me is unsure why I’m here allowing myself to do this, the other part of me has some kind of unknown knowing,
that you’re going to be okay, this is a hit not a miss.
We both know how the rest of the next few weeks went,
fast forward a couple months,
half a year infact.
We’re still growing together, despite my frequent lack of tact.
You’re always there for me,
even when I think you won’t be.
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop,
I know I probably am worried for nothing, but I’m not sure how to stop.
Still you assure me, that I can do no wrong,
that we’ll still be together a year from now,
that we are going strong.
That time with you showing me how much you love me every day,
that you’re loyal to me,
and your love isn’t going to fade,
that these will be the things that’s going to make our relationship made.
You see a potential in me, that no one else has pointed out.
You have a belief in my recovery, when even professionals have noted their own doubts.
I’m glad we met, and now I see
divine timing is what brought me to you,
and you to me.
I wanna believe you with all that I have.
Like when you tell me you’re not going anywhere,
and that my heart isn’t something I need to hide.
I hope writing this doesn’t some how jinx us.
Deep down and when it counts I think you’re someone I can trust.
I love you so much and I hope I show you more every day how grateful I am that you came my way.