RAVE ON

you said you hated my face

you said my food looked like shit,

but i could already tell from your personality if those things were true your mouth would’ve already quit.

days came to pass,

your moods always different.

some pleasant and sweet,

some short with sass,

never the less you were heaven – sent.

we related with alot, more than I could with most.

you wondered why I was so hard on you during work,

and afterwards more gentle and maternal, letting some things coast.

in you I saw a younger me,

back a bit ago when I started being a moody teen.

who was different and all my life verified that,

I usually felt alone, and like no one really had my back.

We shared contact info and I let you know

anytime your mom can’t be around and you don’t wanna be alone, Im a call or text away and with me is always somewhere you can call a second home.

need food? let’s eat

something dirty? come do some laundry.

want a ride home instead of a walk?

you never really accepted my offers, but you started to smile more around me, and hugs were now offered!

when you heard about my ex, you told me you’ll kill him,

when I quit my job and had to leave, there already was some grief.

I’m glad we kept in touch and grew our friendship more.

even after you found out about my past and job you still never called me a whore.

you were always there to talk with me, about the philosophical sides to this reality.

and how we are labeled as strange and abnormal, when we’re the ones aware of what’s surrounding “the Formal”

you’re not the first of one of my close friends to die, but it still hits me hard every time.

seems like some fucked up kind of joke, that the ones who can see the real me always disappear and go ghost.

but it is what it is,

I know you’re moving on and to you i toast,

Rayvon, you’re an incredible being, and your warm greeting and hug is one of the things I’m looking forward to the most.

till then I’ll send you good vibes when I see your signs, and make sure you’re there waiting for me when I catch up with you on the flipside!

xoxo

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FfF

ffff
ffff
ffff
fuuuu
FUCKKKK

FIGHT FREEZE FLEE
look what you’ve done to me
constantly believing
that this is my reality

ain’t no game
i’m in a lot of pain
i cant shut up my brain
and i think i’ve already went insane

HEY HEY YOU
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO
WHEN YOU FALL FOR ME AND THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT
WHEN IM ALREADY TELLING YOU

this isn’t what you want
Im not who you think
i am
some broken woman
jaded and confused
lost in this 3d world
wondering what’s left to lose

HEY HEY YOU
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
there’s nothing left to see
what do you want from me?
there’s nothing here for you
but yes i love you too

Healing 101

Telling me to let the past go
when you’re the one still show casing you intimate with other people and touching them inappropriately in front of me and in photos.
But right that’s my just my insecurity though?
Complain about how there’s not enough of “us”
but when the oppurtunity arises you aren’t showing it off and you’re not showing up.
Why say I need to do more of x, y, and z
if when i make an effort you rather do anything else than be with just me?
You care so much about how you come off and treat others yet simultaneously use what I’ve told you against me to push my buttons.
Grab my arm, do me harm, sing a song, ask if I’ll forgive you now and we can get along?
Trauma Bond.
I tell you it’s wrong and you must want a fight,
here comes the gaslight.
“I didn’t do that, you must be crazy. Be careful what you do or they might lock you up in a penitentiary’
This isn’t love, and you don’t own me.
You didn’t realize what you had and you just thought I’d never leave.
I don’t care how long it takes you to grieve, get used to it because now all I’ll ever be to you is a distant memory.
When you hurt an angel
prepared to get mangled
by the demons in your hell.
Your actions and words put you here when you convinced me it was safe to trust you and when I went to fall you didn’t catch me, I just fell.
This pattern keeps repeating,
the voice that nags at me In my head causes my ears internal bleeding.
Like a broken record it does it over
and over.
I want it to end,
I want to get better.
I want to feel like I’m no longer in that world, where only bad things will happen for me and I’m always destined to be disappointed or to always fail.
I don’t know how I’m doing this but I’m trying to get my shit together and keep moving forward without thinking about running away or dying. The more i ramble to express what i feel, the less i feel confident about being understood or heard but I’m trying.
Consideration should be a two way sensation not about what one loyal person does for the other who cannot resist temptation.
What has come of this nation.
Fuck this jibber jabber I’m going to do some saging
before i start raging.
But back to the main point for a conclusion,
your inability to love or be loved, here’s the solution,
love yourself first so you can let others love you.
Be the change,
broaden your emotional range,
don’t care who thinks you’re strange.
Hurting others won’t heal you,
and then you will have karma coming back at you.
Don’t lie for the sake of not hurting someone’s feelings,
because at the end of the day, they don’t deserve to be crying on their beds staring up at their ceilings
wondering why no matter what they do you still don’t seem satisfied to be with them.
/mood

Day 182.5 <3

I walked to the market,
spur of the moment I wanted to go to the bar for a coffee.
“Maybe some kahlua?” that’s all I was really concerned about, actually.
As I looked upwards from my feet
a guy in a bright green jacket was walking across the street.

I thought maybe he was looking at me,
my brain scoffed in reply.

I sat down and ordered my drink while staring off into space, thinking
“This is the only place around to walk to that I feel is safe, and if not atleast I have my wrench and mace.”

About half hour to fourty five minutes go by.
I wave down my bartender and ask her for my check and start to say good bye.
“It’s already paid for, you can just go”
I’m confused and my defenses are up and I’m ready to blow.
“Really? From who?” I ask with a subtle attitude.
She points down to my left, it’s the bright green jacket dude.

I tell him thank you, and he starts to talk,
I’m on my snapchat.
He asks for my snapchat.
How am I supposed to clap back?

“Haha, funny enough, I’m on that right now”
I say without trying to sound disappointed or frown.
Not because I am not interested in this guy,
he’s pretty frickin cute,
but because I know how I am and I know what I’ve been through.
I know what I do, I know what I’ve seen,
I know the things that cannot be erased from my own memory.

I give him my username, add him right back.
Now he’s trying to ask me where do I live at.
Doesn’t he know that that’s kind of intrusive?
Hell what does it matter, you’ve been through worse.
Do you really think that you are cursed?

I tell him where I currently reside.
He asks if I need a ride?
I tell him thanks but no, I got somewhere else to go.
He asks if I want him to pick me up and then take me
I know it’s not smart based on the past, or want to waste his time, my faults he cannot yet see.

So disappointedly I leave and to the store I go,
grab my items melancholily,
“fuck, why did I have to say no?”
I walk home, quietly thinking.
Wondering how soon till this ship will be sinking.

I get home and inform him of my job, my issues, and how sometimes I struggle to stay strong.
I hold my breath and wait for him to say “No thanks, I’ll be moving along.”
To my surprise he instead invited me over.
“This is a trap, it must be” the paranoia now has me sober.
The next day he came over and picked me up.
Back to his house to meet his roommates and do my laundry.
Seems like things are moving right along.
Really fast.
“Who is she and what is she doing here?” someone asks.

I agree. What am I doing here? I barely know this guy, I feel like a burden.
He assures me it’s fine, cooks dinner for me. Things are going well, then everything goes dark suddenly.

He yells and is frustrated, one of his roommates isn’t sure why?
I try to ease him with impromptu.
“Hey! It’s good! It’s romantic, let’s light a candle it’s fine.”

After we ate, we got in the hot tub.
Watched leaves and pinecones fall from the windstorm blowing up above.
Part of me is unsure why I’m here allowing myself to do this, the other part of me has some kind of unknown knowing,
that you’re going to be okay, this is a hit not a miss.

We both know how the rest of the next few weeks went,
fast forward a couple months,
half a year infact.
We’re still growing together, despite my frequent lack of tact.

You’re always there for me,
even when I think you won’t be.
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop,
I know I probably am worried for nothing, but I’m not sure how to stop.
Still you assure me, that I can do no wrong,
that we’ll still be together a year from now,
that we are going strong.
That time with you showing me how much you love me every day,
that you’re loyal to me,
and your love isn’t going to fade,
that these will be the things that’s going to make our relationship made.

You see a potential in me, that no one else has pointed out.
You have a belief in my recovery, when even professionals have noted their own doubts.

I’m glad we met, and now I see
divine timing is what brought me to you,
and you to me.

I wanna believe you with all that I have.
Like when you tell me you’re not going anywhere,
and that my heart isn’t something I need to hide.

I hope writing this doesn’t some how jinx us.
Deep down and when it counts I think you’re someone I can trust.

I love you so much and I hope I show you more every day how grateful I am that you came my way.

Anxiety Queen

Looking at me and wink.

I don’t know what to think.

Are you trying to distract me?

Are you trying to deflect?

Are you trying to win me over?

Oh God.

What’s he want?

Why’s he putting on the front?

What’s the real reason he wants me here?

He looks at me.

…His eyes.

Could he ever look me in mine and tell me lies?

Time will tell, but till then I guess I’m left to wonder.

Oh well.

 

Soda Cranium

You want a “little bit of it.”
“Not too much, just a little hit.”
Don’t care what’s in store,
this moment is what you’re here for.
Sent her home for the night.
Didn’t want it to end up in a fight.
Didn’t tell her about it either, right.
Thought maybe a day later it might
have somehow not been a bigger issue.
This rodeo I’ve been to, I am not new.
What is it you wanna do?
I don’t like to assume.

2-25-2018

 

11052017

It’s trying to get to me.
What good does letting it do?
The pay off is to sabotage,
to justify and enable my reasons, just a mirage.
down the broken path I know I don’t need to go down on again.
I’m not certain where I’m going currently though, and there’s something about nostalgia,
an addiction that can’t be left behind.
Constantly wanting to reminisce
it’s all you been doing ever since
that time you agreed to someone else’s doubt of your own choices in life
when you’ve known better all along.
Stop playing the world’s smallest violin song.
Get strong.
Make your day productive and long.
Achieving goals :: Elevating souls
Blah blah blah
who’s even reading anyways

 

11052017

 

 

After I met Mary Jane

I’ve broken the spell,
out of the hell.
Was my own rescuer,
after I met Mary Jane.
 
Found out the Truth.
Looked inside, there was the Light.
Closed my eyes, discovered the Sight.
 
Try to trick, that you might.
I will not bow down or give up without a fight.
 
I know you want to pull me back & keep me down,
but it’s time you recognized what’s been on my head all along,
 
The Crown.
Never was a damsel in distress,
just a glamoured Princess.
 
I’ve broken the spell,
out of the hell.
Was my own rescuer,
after I met Mary Jane.
125217

The Morning After the Dark Night

I don’t really know what’s going on lately.
My eye sight has become fragmented with lights, shapes, colors, ,and flashes.
Ringing in the ears.
A simultaneous feeling of impending doom and the most optimistic hope.
I contemplate the meaning of life every minute of the day.
Whether it’s a forethought or in the backdrop,
a never-ending existential crisis.
How do you aim for a direction towards your future, when you are worrying about it being gone next week?
Everywhere you go, there’s reasons to not do it.
In a world where it’s hard to find any meaning or purpose left,
where’s the will to fight if things hit the fan?
If we stand for nothing, we’ll fall for anything.
That’s what we have been doing.
Too politically correct anymore and pussy footing around offending others that we stifle our own potential.
We have placed a glass ceiling on ourselves.
Sure the media brainwashes, but we agree to accept what they try to have us believe.
It’s our own faults.
Acknowledge the problem and take some accountability for your life.
It’s your responsibility:
The ability to respond to a feeling you dislike, and doing something to change it.
Enough is enough.
I have had it with these motherfuckin issues in my motherfuckin life.
No more.
I turn my back on it.
I have better things to do
than give negativity
a ren
dez
vous.
916217

Burning Bush – Sticky Kush

The burning bush,
it’s that sticky kush
flame to the bud
thud thud thud
heart beat’s racing
and slowing down at the same damn time
i don’t remember what this strain was
but it’s blowin my fuckin mind.
this vapor wave
got me in a chill rave
what’s that mean?
“a real human bean”
“bean?”
“BEING.”
ohhhh.
soooooo.
can you go get some mooooo
of that teaaaa
oh puh leaseeeee
chest pains.
when will it rain
my makeup was put on tonight in vain
no good money came
man i’m ungrateful
better than nothing
and hey, isn’t that something?
just like a flip of a switch,
I didn’t let shit get to me.
Instantly I acknowledged my shitty habit
of complaining when I’m better off
than most people right now.
perspective
if your life sucks, change yours.
instantenously you will see it through a different pair of eyes
im not telling you lies
i keep on rhyming so its probably time to say my goodbyes
before your brain friesssss
*sigh*
i’m high.

911217