7.29.2019 – 3 – create the new you now

The new “you” you would like to be more gentle with others.

It’s not boring to take care of yourself and those closest to you. Your base beliefs may need evaluated.

Need to fulfill your own wishes and fix insecurities. need to make confidence a part of self. feeling bad about not having sex together, a friendship with someone needs to end. Let go of concerns about what others think. Stop holding onto old ways of living, being, behaving from others, they are holding you back. do not worry about if they are embarassed or angry, they are irrelevant. let it go. let them go.

Stop relying on others. Be strong and be selfless to your higher self (if you can’t claim being “selfish”)

You know how to be savvy and patient to get what you want, using all resources to your benefit in acquiring what you want.

Stop caring about what others think about how you go about your life and the way you get things you need and want. You are a person of good judgement and moral character, you do what you need to do to take care of yourself and those closest to you.

Don’t harm yourself to please others. You don’t have to be obedient to people who you know aren’t good to you or doing what they need to do in return for your efforts.

Trying to get out of negative cycles and transition into a different state to escape it.

The worst that can happen if found out doesn’t even matter, because those people are not going to get you where you need to be, YOU ARE.

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Legacy Over Everything

How do I want to leave people feeling when they are done interacting with me or my essence?
Do I want them to feel the way others have made me felt?

I have been trying to make up for things I shouldn’t have had to apologize for, but for things they should’ve been making up to me.

I have repeatedly tried and been repeatedly rejected.

It’s protection.

It hurts to try more when I know it will not change.

I do not need to do this anymore.

I can focus my energy and thoughts on those who will appreciate it and use it.
Not those who don’t deserve me and never did.

It hurts because I know they will come back to try to use me,
it’s okay, because like they kept forgetting and rejecting me, I will tell them you had your chances, no more. Remember, you disowned me. You repeatedly shunned me. Therefore now that time is up for you to redeem yourself you have made your choice over and over and while I will spare you my wrath and show you grace and mercy I will not give you what you want.

I’ve been solo and I’ll stay that way if it means not settling for bullshit that’s less than what I deserve or hurting me. No it’s not others’ responsibility for my emotions but it is someone’s expectation when in a close relationship with me that if we are to be together and building anything towards a future goal you need to equally reciprocate and if you can’t or won’t I will not tolerate it I will move on.

11 years to apologize for who I was and the choices I made when I was not doing anything wrong. Just wrong to those who didn’t want me to have my own power.
Flipping the Script.

Thank you for treating me like shit. Thank you for hurting me, neglecting me, rejecting me, abusing me, pushing me away, and disowning me. Thank you for over and over showing me how I don’t need to be assosciated with people like you. Thank you for showing me what not to be like, and what to look out for. Thank you for making me a master at dealing with energies like you so I can help others. Thank you for letting me infiltrate your minds so I can learn what makes you tick and then start my operation of annihilating any traces of you and your diseased kind in this journey of mine in this world.

Thank you for showing me how much I can love, and how much of a good person I can be if I choose to. Thank you for teaching me how to have grace and patience, how to be stoic, how to block energy off. Thank you for underestimating me so I could prove you wrong.

Thanks for always letting me know how much I was not enough for you and how I never will be, now I am great at everything I do.

Thanks for always dismissing my concerns and worries, I now can tolerate so much if I need to. I’m very strong now.

Thanks for always reminding me when you speak of how far I’ve come along and how I was right for not letting you hold me back.

RAVE ON

you said you hated my face

you said my food looked like shit,

but i could already tell from your personality if those things were true your mouth would’ve already quit.

days came to pass,

your moods always different.

some pleasant and sweet,

some short with sass,

never the less you were heaven – sent.

we related with alot, more than I could with most.

you wondered why I was so hard on you during work,

and afterwards more gentle and maternal, letting some things coast.

in you I saw a younger me,

back a bit ago when I started being a moody teen.

who was different and all my life verified that,

I usually felt alone, and like no one really had my back.

We shared contact info and I let you know

anytime your mom can’t be around and you don’t wanna be alone, Im a call or text away and with me is always somewhere you can call a second home.

need food? let’s eat

something dirty? come do some laundry.

want a ride home instead of a walk?

you never really accepted my offers, but you started to smile more around me, and hugs were now offered!

when you heard about my ex, you told me you’ll kill him,

when I quit my job and had to leave, there already was some grief.

I’m glad we kept in touch and grew our friendship more.

even after you found out about my past and job you still never called me a whore.

you were always there to talk with me, about the philosophical sides to this reality.

and how we are labeled as strange and abnormal, when we’re the ones aware of what’s surrounding “the Formal”

you’re not the first of one of my close friends to die, but it still hits me hard every time.

seems like some fucked up kind of joke, that the ones who can see the real me always disappear and go ghost.

but it is what it is,

I know you’re moving on and to you i toast,

Rayvon, you’re an incredible being, and your warm greeting and hug is one of the things I’m looking forward to the most.

till then I’ll send you good vibes when I see your signs, and make sure you’re there waiting for me when I catch up with you on the flipside!

xoxo

Healing 101

Telling me to let the past go
when you’re the one still show casing you intimate with other people and touching them inappropriately in front of me and in photos.
But right that’s my just my insecurity though?
Complain about how there’s not enough of “us”
but when the oppurtunity arises you aren’t showing it off and you’re not showing up.
Why say I need to do more of x, y, and z
if when i make an effort you rather do anything else than be with just me?
You care so much about how you come off and treat others yet simultaneously use what I’ve told you against me to push my buttons.
Grab my arm, do me harm, sing a song, ask if I’ll forgive you now and we can get along?
Trauma Bond.
I tell you it’s wrong and you must want a fight,
here comes the gaslight.
“I didn’t do that, you must be crazy. Be careful what you do or they might lock you up in a penitentiary’
This isn’t love, and you don’t own me.
You didn’t realize what you had and you just thought I’d never leave.
I don’t care how long it takes you to grieve, get used to it because now all I’ll ever be to you is a distant memory.
When you hurt an angel
prepared to get mangled
by the demons in your hell.
Your actions and words put you here when you convinced me it was safe to trust you and when I went to fall you didn’t catch me, I just fell.
This pattern keeps repeating,
the voice that nags at me In my head causes my ears internal bleeding.
Like a broken record it does it over
and over.
I want it to end,
I want to get better.
I want to feel like I’m no longer in that world, where only bad things will happen for me and I’m always destined to be disappointed or to always fail.
I don’t know how I’m doing this but I’m trying to get my shit together and keep moving forward without thinking about running away or dying. The more i ramble to express what i feel, the less i feel confident about being understood or heard but I’m trying.
Consideration should be a two way sensation not about what one loyal person does for the other who cannot resist temptation.
What has come of this nation.
Fuck this jibber jabber I’m going to do some saging
before i start raging.
But back to the main point for a conclusion,
your inability to love or be loved, here’s the solution,
love yourself first so you can let others love you.
Be the change,
broaden your emotional range,
don’t care who thinks you’re strange.
Hurting others won’t heal you,
and then you will have karma coming back at you.
Don’t lie for the sake of not hurting someone’s feelings,
because at the end of the day, they don’t deserve to be crying on their beds staring up at their ceilings
wondering why no matter what they do you still don’t seem satisfied to be with them.
/mood

Mid October 2018 Tarotscope

Take what resonates and leave what doesn’t. You have a full natal chart, and energies can be switched. Apply it how it fits for you. This is a general, not personal reading. 

 

 

FIRE

You will get what you desire but first you must lay down the chasing of people who serve no purpose other than being a warm body to you. Focus on your dreams and don’t worry about the money because whatever you want from your heart you will get. You were investing in a commitment and the tables have turned and now you do whatever you shall please. Don’t expect them to stay though. Wait… you thought you could have your cake and eat everything else too? No. You can only have yours. Not keep yours and nibble here and there on other things. You know that’s not right. Be honest about the lack of morality that mindset is. You wanted things to go this way and were going to be happy about it before so really sit there and think about what it is you even want. Realize already you’re not balanced enough to know. Focus on the positive things in life. People walked out on you because of your treatment towards them and behavior. It’s not fair and they don’t deserve it. You know that’s not how you treat someone you love. If you want someone else, be honest about it. If you can’t then they need to be let go.

 

WATER

Drinking and drugs never help emotions. If you’re tired of feeling stuck do other things to feel good that aren’t drinking. You should give it a shot and try really hard at recovering from that before you decide to just throw a relationship with someone away. If you’re cheating on them or cheating them out of something that they need then that’s not fair. Fix what feels wrong, right your wrongs, and only do wrongs now when it comes to the things that make you feel trapped. Do what makes you happy and stop giving it to things and people that don’t. With power comes great responsibility. Don’t do it if you can’t submit yourself to the judgement when you’re out of line. Only committing to what’s right will fix the past. Slow down with drama if you want more success. Come out of the victim role. You know what’s manipulating you. You know that ruins your esteem. Get it under control.

 

AIR

This person views your retrieval of efforts as you giving it to somebody else. They think you want to go have fun with other people while you want them to “work on them self”. Your inability to be stable is putting this relationship on a halt. You think vices are more important than something you’ve always wanted? They aren’t going to keep being there for you if you keep adding to their burdens. Invest in a new beginning where you are independent but not unfair and secretive about things. All that contributes to the situation is chaos. You don’t feel good about something because of things that you or someone else did wrong in the past and how others reacted to it. They don’t live your life and they don’t know what it’s like for you. They can’t tell you anything you don’t already know before. Keep to yourself and what feels good to you and you’ll see the good that returns for doing that.

 

EARTH

Don’t sabotage yourself. If you’re feeling victimized you can neutralize it. Pull back and regroup yourself when you feel unstable. Give yourself happiness to get you back to your advantage point. You’re turning down offers that don’t feel good to you even if you can’t decide if that’s the best decision or not. Things are going good but feel stagnant because you still haven’t found ways to keep yourself happy on a consistent basis. Step 1, walk away from drama. Focus on your crafts. Offer your time and effort to yourself if they’re telling you they can’t be there for you like they said they could. They want to use their money on vices. Their lying ins’t going to keep getting slid past you. You want to feel good about the situation and like you can trust them, not like you can’t. They’re going to come out and say how they feel about this. No more efforts to what feels bad to you now. Be happy being independent. Don’t listen to others when it comes to your own creations. Everyone loves someone who doesn’t give up on them self. If they don’t love you for that, they’re a dream crusher, and they gotta go.