How do I want to leave people feeling when they are done interacting with me or my essence?
Do I want them to feel the way others have made me felt?
I have been trying to make up for things I shouldn’t have had to apologize for, but for things they should’ve been making up to me.
I have repeatedly tried and been repeatedly rejected.
It hurts to try more when I know it will not change.
I do not need to do this anymore.
I can focus my energy and thoughts on those who will appreciate it and use it.
Not those who don’t deserve me and never did.
It hurts because I know they will come back to try to use me,
it’s okay, because like they kept forgetting and rejecting me, I will tell them you had your chances, no more. Remember, you disowned me. You repeatedly shunned me. Therefore now that time is up for you to redeem yourself you have made your choice over and over and while I will spare you my wrath and show you grace and mercy I will not give you what you want.
I’ve been solo and I’ll stay that way if it means not settling for bullshit that’s less than what I deserve or hurting me. No it’s not others’ responsibility for my emotions but it is someone’s expectation when in a close relationship with me that if we are to be together and building anything towards a future goal you need to equally reciprocate and if you can’t or won’t I will not tolerate it I will move on.
11 years to apologize for who I was and the choices I made when I was not doing anything wrong. Just wrong to those who didn’t want me to have my own power.
Flipping the Script.
Thank you for treating me like shit. Thank you for hurting me, neglecting me, rejecting me, abusing me, pushing me away, and disowning me. Thank you for over and over showing me how I don’t need to be assosciated with people like you. Thank you for showing me what not to be like, and what to look out for. Thank you for making me a master at dealing with energies like you so I can help others. Thank you for letting me infiltrate your minds so I can learn what makes you tick and then start my operation of annihilating any traces of you and your diseased kind in this journey of mine in this world.
Thank you for showing me how much I can love, and how much of a good person I can be if I choose to. Thank you for teaching me how to have grace and patience, how to be stoic, how to block energy off. Thank you for underestimating me so I could prove you wrong.
Thanks for always letting me know how much I was not enough for you and how I never will be, now I am great at everything I do.
Thanks for always dismissing my concerns and worries, I now can tolerate so much if I need to. I’m very strong now.
Thanks for always reminding me when you speak of how far I’ve come along and how I was right for not letting you hold me back.
you said you hated my face
you said my food looked like shit,
but i could already tell from your personality if those things were true your mouth would’ve already quit.
days came to pass,
your moods always different.
some pleasant and sweet,
some short with sass,
never the less you were heaven – sent.
we related with alot, more than I could with most.
you wondered why I was so hard on you during work,
and afterwards more gentle and maternal, letting some things coast.
in you I saw a younger me,
back a bit ago when I started being a moody teen.
who was different and all my life verified that,
I usually felt alone, and like no one really had my back.
We shared contact info and I let you know
anytime your mom can’t be around and you don’t wanna be alone, Im a call or text away and with me is always somewhere you can call a second home.
need food? let’s eat
something dirty? come do some laundry.
want a ride home instead of a walk?
you never really accepted my offers, but you started to smile more around me, and hugs were now offered!
when you heard about my ex, you told me you’ll kill him,
when I quit my job and had to leave, there already was some grief.
I’m glad we kept in touch and grew our friendship more.
even after you found out about my past and job you still never called me a whore.
you were always there to talk with me, about the philosophical sides to this reality.
and how we are labeled as strange and abnormal, when we’re the ones aware of what’s surrounding “the Formal”
you’re not the first of one of my close friends to die, but it still hits me hard every time.
seems like some fucked up kind of joke, that the ones who can see the real me always disappear and go ghost.
but it is what it is,
I know you’re moving on and to you i toast,
Rayvon, you’re an incredible being, and your warm greeting and hug is one of the things I’m looking forward to the most.
till then I’ll send you good vibes when I see your signs, and make sure you’re there waiting for me when I catch up with you on the flipside!